I was in an executive meeting not too long ago and one of the other team members wanted to raise the cost of the company’s biggest product. I was strongly opposed because I thought it was already too expensive and I was concerned that we’d lose sales, or at least customer loyalty. They stood their ground though. They said that the cost of manufacturing the product had increased and to maintain the same level of functionality, we’d need to raise the cost. If not, we’d have to stop supporting some of the product’s features. I heard what they were saying but still disagreed. I thought that the features weren’t necessary to include. They said that people would have to buy other products to supplement those features and it would cost them even more.

We put it to a vote. I lost. But I respected their position and the conversation had been professional and calm. I was satisfied with the transaction. My points were made and I stood up for what I believed was the best position, but I was also able to concede when others disagreed with me.

It’s nearly impossible to work in a team without having some disagreement. The key is not to let it get ugly. I felt very strongly about keeping the cost down. Earlier that week, I had heard complaints from two customers about the cost and one said they were not going to buy the next version because it had become too expensive. I had to check myself to stay calm in the executive meeting and listen to the other’s perspective. I wanted to jump in and tell them about these two customers but I had to stop and give the other executive their turn.

The others in the meeting stayed quiet while we both took turns sharing our perspectives and supporting facts. We stayed focused on the issue. It never got personal. We both agreed that we were trying to do what was best for the company even if we disagreed on what that meant. When the vote took place and the majority voted for raising the price, I was disappointed but I supported the executive team’s decision.

The next time a customer complained to me about the price increase, I gave them the reasons why we decided to do it. I even said that it would cost them less than having to buy other products to supplement lost features if we had kept the price down.

I’m not saying that I am always this calm and accepting of a loss, but it is what I strive for. Sometimes disagreements do get personal and it is hard to stay calm in the moment and bring it back to the issue. It is also hard sometimes not to be defensive. I have learned how to recognize it when I hear myself over jealously justifying my position or arguing about something I don’t even believe just to win. In certain cases when I know I am right, I have to remember that the relationship is more important than the argument and be open to doing things differently for the sake of appeasing the other person.

Not only is it okay to disagree with teammates at times, but it is normal. Sometimes agreement can be reached. Other times one person may win and the other lose. In either case, it is important to handle disagreements among team members respectfully and remain issue-focused to keep the relationships strong.

You’ll probably make better decisions too.

David hadn’t read about influencing techniques. He knew from experience that reciprocity is an effective tool to encourage collaboration. He hadn’t really thought of it as an influencing tool. But when he went back to school to get his MBA, he came across Robert Cialdini’s work on the art of persuasion and has been using Cialdini’s influencing techniques as a technical leader ever since.

Influencing tools are often used in sales and marketing contexts, but they can be applied to any circumstance, from influencing friends and family to influencing bosses and teams. Cialdini’s six key principles of influence are reciprocity, scarcity, authority, consistency, liking, and social proof.¹ Here is a brief description of each principle followed by an illustrative example and a leadership tip that you can use as directly in your organization.

1. Reciprocity

The principle of reciprocity is grounded in the notion that people feel obligated to return a favor when something is given to them. This sense of obligation can be a powerful tool in persuasion.

The principle of reciprocity hinges on the belief that people are inherently inclined to give back when they receive something. This compulsion to repay can be a strong instrument of persuasion.

For example, think about the practice in many professional settings where a company sends a prospective client a thoughtful gift or offers a free trial of their service. Studies indicate that these gestures can significantly boost the conversion rates of potential clients into actual ones. The free trial or gift serves as a form of favor that stimulates the prospective client’s inherent impulse to give back, which often manifests as signing up for the service or buying the product.

Leadership Tip: You can use the principle of reciprocity to gain influence with anyone in your organization. For example, you could offer assistance or valuable insights to a higher-level leader on a matter that falls within your area of expertise. This act of helpfulness creates a sense of obligation, making the higher-level leader more likely to support or assist you in the future. For instance, you could provide a detailed analysis of a complex technology issue that helps senior management make a critical decision.

2. Scarcity

Scarcity refers to the psychological bias where people place a higher value on items that are scarce or limited in availability. Marketers frequently utilize this principle by creating a sense of urgency around a product or service.

A classic example of scarcity in action is the phrase “limited-time offer.” When shopping online, you may encounter statements like “Only 3 items left in stock” or “Offer ends in 2 hours.” These tactics urge consumers to act quickly, for fear that they will miss out on the opportunity.

Leadership Tip: When proposing a new project or initiative, you can apply the scarcity principle by emphasizing the unique value it brings or the limited window of opportunity. For example, you might say, “Implementing this new system architecture is a rare opportunity to greatly enhance our processing capabilities. But we need to act quickly to make the most of our current resources and market position.”

3. Authority

The principle of authority indicates that we tend to obey authoritative figures and are more likely to be influenced by their suggestions or instructions. This can be attributed to our conditioning to accept and respect authority from an early age.

For example, toothpaste companies often use endorsements from dental professionals to market their products. By doing so, they leverage the authority of these professionals, making consumers more likely to trust and buy their product.

Leadership Tip: As a leader in a specific field, your expertise and knowledge serve as your authority. Regularly sharing insights, giving thoughtful suggestions, and offering solutions to complex problems will help others see you as a figure of authority. For instance, you might conduct a series of technical workshops or share regular updates about advancements in your field, thereby solidifying your status as a knowledgeable leader.

4. Consistency (or Commitment)

People like to be consistent in their actions, thoughts, and values. Once a commitment is made, individuals are more likely to act in ways that align with that commitment.

A common example of this principle can be found in public pledges or declarations. Fitness challenges like “30 days of yoga” encourage participants to publicly commit to a month-long practice, making them more likely to follow through due to their desire to stay consistent with their commitment.

Leadership Tip: The consistency principle can be used to encourage team commitment. Let’s say your team is embarking on a long-term project. You could initiate a kickoff meeting in which everyone involved publicly commits to their roles and responsibilities. This public declaration makes them more likely to follow through consistently.

5. Liking

People are more likely to be persuaded by people they like. This principle is based on the idea that if someone likes you, they’ll want to say yes to you.

Consider the role of influencers on social media platforms. Brands often collaborate with popular influencers who have built a connection with their followers. When these influencers endorse a product or service, their followers — who already “like” them — are more likely to be influenced by their recommendation.

Leadership Tip: Using the principle of liking to influence up involves developing a positive rapport with bosses and senior leaders. This could be achieved by finding common professional interests, displaying a positive attitude, and actively listening when interacting with them. Building a genuine relationship based on mutual respect and understanding can make these leaders more receptive to your ideas and viewpoints. Similarly, building a positive rapport with your team members will make them more likely to accept your guidance.

6. Social Proof

The principle of social proof suggests that people are more likely to do something if they see others doing it. It’s why reviews, testimonials, and popularity are potent tools of persuasion.

An example of social proof in action is the way online shopping platforms display reviews and ratings. Seeing that many others have bought and liked a product influences potential buyers to feel more comfortable making the same decision.

Leadership Tip: You can use the principle of social proof by showcasing the successes of your team and individual members to encourage others to buy in to an idea. For example, if you’re trying to encourage your team to adopt a new software tool, share case studies of other successful teams or employees (within or outside your company) that have benefitted from using the tool. This ‘social proof’ can motivate your team to get on board. You can use this same strategy to encourage superiors to support your proposals.

In sum, understanding and applying Cialdini’s six principles of influence can significantly enhance your persuasive abilities. Whether in leading a team, negotiating the price of a house, or in managing personal relationships, these principles play a crucial role in shaping human behavior. However, it is essential to use these tools responsibly and ethically, ensuring you do not manipulate others unduly.

¹Cialdini, R. B. (2021). Influence, New and Expanded: The Psychology of Persuasion. Harper Business.

The following example illustrates how a performance problem can unravel quickly and how delivering timely feedback can turn it around.

Inaction Due to Concerns About Bias and Fairness

Emily manages a mixed team of remote and on-site workers at a tech company. Over time, she has developed closer working relationships with her on-site team due to their physical proximity and regular face-to-face interactions. On the other hand, she has had less frequent touchpoints with her remote workers, including John.

Emily Sees a Performance Problem and Avoids Giving Feedback

One day, Emily noticed that the quality of John’s work had recently declined. As a responsible manager, she knew she needed to address the issue. However, she found herself hesitating. The crux of her worry was that her feedback might be perceived as biased or unfair, considering she had less interaction with John than her on-site employees.

She thought long and hard about her dilemma. Would John think she was unfairly singling him out because of his remote status? Was her perception of his work quality affected by their infrequent interactions? She didn’t want her feedback to come across as a judgment of his character or as a lack of understanding of his remote working challenges, and she certainly didn’t want to get a call from HR that she had a complaint against her. After several days of turning this over and over in her mind, she decided to wait and eventually she let it go and overlooked John’s underperformance.

In the months following Emily’s hesitation to provide John with necessary feedback, the team began to witness a cascade of troubling developments.

Productivity started to drop significantly. John’s continued underperformance became a bottleneck for projects, causing delays and impacting the overall quality of the work produced by the team. This placed a strain on the entire team, and tension began to build.

The other team members, both remote and on-site, started feeling the heat. They were increasingly required to correct John’s mistakes or complete tasks that he had not done properly. This led to resentment and frustration within the team, eroding the once positive and cooperative work environment they had enjoyed.

John himself seemed unaware of his slipping performance. Without Emily’s feedback, he remained oblivious to his decline in productivity and its impact on the team. This lack of awareness hindered his ability to improve, stalling his professional growth within the company.

Emily, feeling the mounting pressure of managing team dynamics, project delays, and quality issues, became increasingly stressed. Her performance began to waver, and her job satisfaction plummeted.

The ripples of John’s continued underperformance even reached the clients. Complaints started coming in regarding the quality of work and missed deadlines. The company’s reputation, painstakingly built over years, started to suffer, and some crucial business relationships became strained.

Most critically, the team’s faith in Emily’s leadership began to wane. They noticed Emily’s reluctance to address John’s performance issue, and this perceived lack of decisive action damaged their trust in her leadership. Team morale dropped significantly, and engagement levels hit an all-time low.

Emily’s initial hesitation to give feedback turned into a series of challenges, affecting not just John, but the entire team, herself, and even the company’s reputation. The scenario underscored the importance of timely, constructive feedback in managing performance and maintaining a healthy work environment.

Providing Objective, Fair, Constructive Feedback

To approach this issue responsibly, Emily could have decided to take a step back and gather more context about John’s work conditions. She also could have made it a point to clearly define the expectations and performance metrics that were applicable to all her employees, regardless of their work setup. By doing this, Emily would have been aiming to provide objective, fair, and constructive feedback to John, ensuring he felt valued and understood, just like his on-site colleagues.

Emily Sees a Performance Problem and Gives Timely Feedback

When Emily recognized the decline in John’s performance, she decided to take immediate action. She arranged a one-on-one virtual meeting with John, prepared her thoughts carefully, and ensured she approached the conversation with a mindset of understanding and support.

During the meeting, Emily first acknowledged John’s past contributions to the team, emphasizing the positive impact he had made. She then gently raised her concerns about the recent decline in his performance, citing specific examples and discussing the impact on the team and the project.

She was careful to focus on the actions rather than making it about John’s character, and she listened actively to his perspective. John shared some of the challenges he had been facing while working remotely, which had contributed to his decreased performance.

Emily offered solutions, including additional resources to manage his workload better, and offered to have more frequent check-ins to better understand and support his remote working challenges. She also connected John’s role and performance to the larger team goals to help him understand the importance of his contribution.

Over the next few months, a noticeable change was observed in John’s performance. With the constructive feedback and added support, he was able to address his work challenges more effectively. His work quality improved significantly, and he was more engaged and proactive in his role.

The team as a whole also benefited. With John’s improved performance, the overall productivity of the team rose. The earlier resentment dissipated, and the team’s morale and collaboration improved. Emily’s decisive action reinforced her leadership, and the team’s trust in her grew. Her stress levels also declined as team dynamics and project management became smoother.

Externally, the clients were pleased with the improved quality of work and timely delivery. This helped in reinforcing the company’s reputation for high-quality service and reliability.

By giving timely and constructive feedback, Emily not only helped John improve his performance but also fostered a more positive and productive work environment. It was a testament to the power of effective feedback and the importance of open communication within a team.

Takeaways

The contrasting scenarios involving Emily and John illustrate several key takeaways about the importance of delivering timely and effective feedback:

1. Address Performance Issues Promptly: Timeliness in addressing performance issues is critical. The longer an issue is left unaddressed, the more it can impact team morale, productivity, and ultimately, the business.

2. Feedback Aids in Professional Development: Constructive feedback is an essential tool for professional growth. Without it, employees like John may continue to underperform simply because they are unaware of the issues.

3. Feedback Can Prevent Misunderstandings and Resentment: By addressing John’s performance issues directly, Emily prevented misunderstandings and resentment from brewing within the team. Unaddressed issues can create a toxic work environment, leading to dissatisfaction among other team members.

4. Providing Feedback Helps Maintain Trust in Leadership: Emily’s direct and supportive approach in providing feedback reinforced her team’s trust in her leadership. Conversely, her avoidance of the issue in the first scenario led to a loss of trust and respect.

5. Holding Employees Accountable May Impact the Business’ Reputation: Performance issues not only affect internal team dynamics but can also impact relationships with clients and the overall reputation of the business.

6. Providing Feedback Supports Employee Well-being: Offering feedback is not just about correcting mistakes. It’s also about showing employees that their manager is invested in their success. By offering support to John, Emily helped him navigate his challenges, improving his job satisfaction and engagement.

7. Feedback is a Two-Way Street: Emily’s approach to feedback, which involved active listening to John’s perspective, underscores the importance of making feedback a two-way dialogue. It not only aids in understanding the root causes of performance issues but also empowers employees to become part of the solution.

Perhaps the most important takeaway for the manager is #4, that failing to deliver feedback may cause the entire team to lose confidence in their ability to lead. In other words, a critical part of the manager’s job is to address performance problems and if they don’t, they may be seen as ineffective, not the person who is failing to meet objectives.

More generally, these contrasting examples underscore the important role feedback plays in effective management, team dynamics, and organizational success. By investing in communication training, fostering a culture of open dialogue, and setting aside time for regular feedback, managers can become more comfortable and adept in this critical part of their role.

[AI was one of the tools used in the creation of this post.]

The modern workplace is a melting pot of diverse individuals with different ideas, perspectives, and personalities. This diversity can be an enormous strength, driving innovation and creativity. However, it can also lead to conflict and misunderstanding, making tactfulness an essential skill in today’s professional environment.

Here are a few tips on how to be more tactful at work:

1. Practice Active Listening

Active listening is more than just hearing what someone is saying. It involves fully focusing on the speaker, demonstrating an understanding of their message, and responding thoughtfully. When you practice active listening, you show respect for the speaker’s ideas, which can go a long way in building positive relationships.

Example:

Suppose your colleague, John, is expressing his concerns about a project during a team meeting. He’s worried that the current timeline is unrealistic, considering the team’s existing workload.

Non-Active Listening Response: “Well, we just have to do our best.”

This response indicates you heard John’s concern but doesn’t show that you fully understood or acknowledged his worry.

Active Listening Response: “John, I understand you’re concerned about the project timeline considering our current workload. You’re worried that we may not meet the deadlines, correct? It sounds like you would like us to discuss this as a team and possibly re-evaluate our timeline or resources.”

This response shows active listening because you’ve paraphrased John’s concern, ensuring you’ve understood him correctly. You’re validating his concern, demonstrating that you’ve been fully engaged in what he’s been saying, and showing a reaction to his input.

2. Choose Your Words Carefully

Communication is the cornerstone of workplace diplomacy. Think before you speak and be mindful of how your words might be perceived by others. Avoid inflammatory language, jargon, or overly complex terms that could confuse or alienate your colleagues. When offering criticism, be constructive and focus on the issue, not the person.

Example:

A coworker delivers a presentation that lacks important information. Instead of criticizing them directly, you might say, “I really liked how you presented those points. I think adding a bit more information about ‘X’ might make it even more comprehensive. What do you think?”

This example demonstrates choosing words carefully in several ways. You begin your feedback with positive reinforcement, by acknowledging what your coworker did well in their presentation, thus creating a positive atmosphere and making it more likely that your suggestion will be well received. Then, instead of focusing solely on what was lacking in the presentation, you propose an enhancement (“adding a bit more information about ‘X'”) that could improve the presentation. Framing your feedback in this way focuses on the potential for growth and improvement, rather than on the negative aspects of the presentation.

Furthermore, you used inclusive language by asking your coworker, “What do you think?” at the end of your statement. This inclusive language encourages dialogue and shows respect for your coworker’s opinion. Lastly, by addressing the issue indirectly, you avoid creating a confrontational scenario that might make your coworker defensive. This indirect approach is especially tactful because it provides feedback without directly criticizing or undermining your coworker’s effort.

3. Be Empathetic

Empathy involves understanding and sharing the feelings of others. By placing yourself in your colleagues’ shoes, you can better understand their perspective and respond in a more considerate and tactful manner. Recognize that everyone, including you, comes with unique experiences and viewpoints that influence their actions and reactions.

Example:

Imagine a colleague, named Preet, recently shared during a virtual meeting that his child is sick. You notice that he seems distracted and less engaged than usual. After the meeting, you reach out to him with a message:

“Hi Preet, I just wanted to say that I’m really sorry to hear about your child’s illness. I can only imagine how tough it must be trying to balance work and family, especially under these circumstances. If there’s anything I can do to lighten your workload or if there are any meetings you need me to cover for you, please don’t hesitate to ask. We’re a team, and we’re here for you.”

This response shows empathy by acknowledging Preet’s situation, understanding the difficulty he’s facing, and offering specific ways to provide support. You’re demonstrating that you can relate to his situation, that you care about his well-being, and that you’re willing to help, which are all key aspects of empathy. It also conveys empathy without diving deeply into the personal nature of Preet’s situation and keeps the interaction at a professional level, focusing on the workplace, not home life.

4. Maintain Emotional Intelligence

Emotional intelligence is the ability to understand and manage your emotions, as well as those of the people around you. It involves self-awareness, self-regulation, motivation, empathy, and social skills. By harnessing your emotional intelligence, you can navigate sensitive situations with grace and tact, leading to better workplace relationships.

Example:

In a project review meeting, your colleague, Emily, becomes frustrated and vents her anger over the team’s poor communication, which has led to delays and overlapping work. Her outburst has put everyone on edge.

A tactful response could be:

“Emily, I understand that you’re frustrated, and I want to acknowledge your feelings. Poor communication can indeed lead to complications, and it seems like it’s causing unnecessary stress and inefficiencies in our work. I appreciate you bringing this to our attention, as it’s something we all need to improve. Let’s work together as a team to create a better communication plan so that we can prevent these issues in the future. We value your input and I believe your insights can help us improve this process. Would you be open to discussing this further in a follow-up meeting?”

This response addresses Emily’s emotional state by acknowledging her frustration, validating her concerns, and offering a constructive way forward. It also shows empathy and respect for her feelings, while maintaining professionalism and focusing on a resolution. It can be an effective way to diffuse an emotionally charged situation.

5. Respect Differences

Every individual in your workplace brings something unique to the table. Their experiences, beliefs, and perspectives might differ significantly from yours, and that’s okay. Being tactful means showing respect for these differences and avoiding making assumptions or passing judgment. Recognizing and appreciating diversity can also create a more inclusive and harmonious workplace.

Example:

During a team meeting, two of your colleagues, Kavita and Alex, are expressing contrasting views on a new marketing strategy. Kavita believes in sticking with the traditional approach that has worked in the past, while Alex is pushing for a more innovative, digital strategy.

A tactful response could be:

“I appreciate the perspectives both of you bring to this discussion. Kavita, your viewpoint emphasizes the reliability and proven success of our traditional methods, which is indeed valuable. Alex, your focus on innovation and digital strategies could open new avenues for us and keep us up to date with the latest trends. Both are critical for our company’s growth. Let’s see how we can incorporate elements from both strategies to create a comprehensive plan that leverages our past success while also embracing innovation. This way, we can create a balanced approach that benefits from both your insights.”

This response acknowledges both viewpoints, highlighting the value they bring. It also seeks a balanced, collaborative solution, demonstrating respect and consideration for both parties involved.

6. Use “I” Statements

Using “I” statements can be a tactful way to express your feelings without blaming or criticizing others. Instead of saying, “You’re wrong,” you could say, “I see things differently.” This approach can lead to more productive and less confrontational conversations.

Example:

Your boss proposes a plan that you don’t agree with. Instead of bluntly stating your disagreement or saying “you’re wrong,” you could say, “I appreciate your insight on this matter. I have a few alternative ideas that may complement your plan. May I share them with you?”

This response focuses on expressing your own thoughts and feelings rather than making judgments or attributions about others. By starting with “I appreciate your insight on this matter,” you acknowledge your boss’s efforts and create a positive starting point for the discussion. This helps to maintain a respectful tone and show that you value their input. When you say, “I have a few alternative ideas that may complement your plan,” you’re expressing your disagreement in a constructive and non-confrontational way. By framing your ideas as potential complements to the existing plan, you’re suggesting that your perspective could add value without outright dismissing your boss’s plan.

Finally, by asking, “May I share them with you?” you show respect for your boss’s position and time, seeking their consent before proceeding. This communicates that you see the exchange as a dialogue rather than a debate. “I” statements allow you to express your viewpoint tactfully and respectfully, making them a valuable tool in professional and personal communication. They help avoid blaming language and reduce the chance of the other person feeling attacked or defensive, promoting more open and effective communication.

7. Apologize When Necessary

Nobody is perfect; we all make mistakes. If you’ve inadvertently upset someone, apologize sincerely. Owning up to your mistakes and making a genuine effort to rectify them demonstrates humility and respect towards the feelings of others.

Example:

Let’s say that during a team meeting, you made a joke about late-night work sessions. Later you find out that your colleague, Soo-Min, who has been struggling with work-life balance, was upset by it. Here is how you could apologize sincerely:

“Soo-Min, I’ve realized that the joke I made during the meeting may have upset you, and for that, I am genuinely sorry. It was insensitive of me to make light of the late-night work sessions, especially knowing how hard we’ve all been trying to maintain a healthy work-life balance. I didn’t intend to disregard our struggles, but I see now how my words could have come across that way. Going forward, I’ll be more mindful of my comments. Please accept my apology.”

This apology acknowledges the mistake, demonstrates understanding of why it was hurtful, offers a sincere apology, and commits to not repeating the behavior in the future. These are all components of a meaningful and sincere apology.

8. Seek Win-Win Solutions

Instead of trying to ‘win’ every argument or dispute, seek solutions that benefit all parties involved. Compromise and collaboration are integral parts of a tactful approach.

Example:

Two colleagues are arguing about the direction of a project. Instead of taking sides, you might say, “I understand both points of view, and I believe each has its merits. Let’s explore the pros and cons together and see if we can find a middle ground that benefits the project.”

In conclusion, being tactful involves a blend of active listening, careful communication, empathy, emotional intelligence, and respect for others. By cultivating these skills, you can foster more positive and productive workplace relationships, creating an environment where everyone feels valued and heard. In short, according to a commonly misattributed quote to Sir Isaac Newton, “Tact is the art of making a point without making an enemy.”

[AI was one of the tools used in the creation of this post.]

First, let’s acknowledge that giving feedback can be hard, especially if you don’t know how to do it effectively. That is why so many people avoid it. But giving feedback gets easier with practice and if you follow the tips below. Before getting to the tips, it is also important to recognize that receiving good quality feedback can be vital to a person’s success. Helping someone see what they are doing well and what they can change to be more effective is a gift that can keep giving throughout their career.

Now, what are the keys to giving feedback effectively? Here are three.

Key #1 to Giving Effective Feedback

Be Constructive: Give constructive feedback; don’t criticize the person. Research shows that criticism demotivates people. For example, telling someone that their writing is poor quality is demoralizing. It doesn’t help them learn how to write better or what good quality writing looks like. It doesn’t give them incentive to try to do better. Rather, it suggests to them that there’s no hope.

Constructive feedback focuses on the future, on something the person can do to improve their performance. Constructive feedback looks something like this. “You’re a new manager and you will likely make many mistakes as you figure out how to effectively lead your team. Today’s example of delegating work to someone who’s not ready is a good learning opportunity. You didn’t assess his capability before you gave him the assignment. Before you assign more work to your team, it would be a good idea to assess what their capabilities are and take note of who can do which types of assignments. Then you’ll know who to delegate to and in what ways people need to grow.”

Key #2 to Giving Effective Feedback

Make It Behavioral: Focus on behavior, not the person. Behavior can be changed. Personality is much harder to change, and some personal attributes cannot be changed at all. For example, I once saw a manager burst into tears when someone told her she was an ineffective presenter because she was too short. When I asked her why she was crying, she said it was because her height was something she couldn’t change. She was right. The feedback was useless, and it just made her feel bad.

Behavioral feedback describes the actions or behaviors that a person does or doesn’t do. For example, “We didn’t get to cover the full agenda in today’s meeting. It seemed to get sidetracked when Fritz started challenging the details of Sue’s code. Because this was your meeting, people were looking to you to bring the discussion back to the point. When you didn’t take charge, others got involved in the discussion and we all went down a rabbit hole. To keep the meeting on track, there are several actions you can take, such as interrupting and saying we need to park that discussion to move onto the other agenda items or standing up and making a gesture to get people’s attention to make the point, or assigning someone else ahead of time to be the timekeeper and have them reign people in for you.”

Key #3 to Giving Effective Feedback

Be Specific: Be as specific as possible about the context, the behavior, and the impact of the behavior. Vague feedback isn’t very useful. For example, it’s nice to hear “good job,” but it doesn’t really tell you what you did well and why it worked. It can leave you wondering if you could replicate the “good job” because you don’t really know what was good about it.

An example of specific feedback could be, “You captured the audience’s attention well during your presentation. I could see that no one was on their phones when you talked, and they asked detailed questions during your Q&A that demonstrated they had paid attention to your story.” This describes specific impact. Specific descriptions of the presenter’s behaviors looks like this. “You seemed to speak to each individual person in the audience. I saw you making eye contact with them and because you had a variety of examples, there was something for everyone to relate to.” A specific suggestion for improvement looks like this. “The only time the audience looked a little confused was when you talked about your experiment. You used several technical terms that they didn’t seem to understand because they aren’t scientists. Next time you present, it would be worth checking to see who will be in the audience and tailoring the language to their level of knowledge.”

Additional Tip to Giving Effective Feedback

Many consultants will also tell you that feedback has to be timely, that it is important to give feedback immediately or as soon as possible after observing a behavior. While I agree it is better to give feedback when the behavior is still fresh, I think it’s better to give good quality feedback than to rush into it. If you are angry or frustrated with the person, it is better to wait and calm down before delivering feedback to them. If the person doesn’t seem ready to hear it, wait until a more suitable time to deliver the feedback. If you aren’t sure if it is a “one off” behavior, wait and see if it recurs. But don’t wait because you are afraid of delivering the feedback. Use the tips above to deliver constructive, specific, behaviorally based feedback that will help the person grow and have a positive impact. You will find it to be a rewarding experience for both of you.

Liminality is the psychological process of transitioning across boundaries. It stems from the Latin word, limen, that means threshold, as in a doorway, marking the transition from one room to another. In psychological terms, liminality may be used to describe the transition between work and home. It may refer to the transition between managing the thoughts about completing a work project to getting in the mood for a nice dinner out or the transition between acting in one’s workplace identity as an employee or manager to their identity as a family member, spouse, or friend. When there is no time to make this transition, it can cause frustration, confusion, or stress.

For example, one day several years ago, I was working as a professor, and I was conducting a meeting with my research group of graduate students in my office at the university. Daycare had fallen through that day, so I had brought my 2-year-old daughter to work for the meeting. I was sitting at the table with my graduate students trying to discuss a research project and my daughter started dropping student papers off my desk onto the floor. I remember the distinct feeling of confusion mixed with desperation trying to be a good mom and a good professor at the same time. I felt I was failing at both at that moment when I lost my tempter with my daughter and lost my professional demeanor in front of my students. There was no liminality in that moment, no time for a transition, and it caused me a great deal of stress.

In the more recent times of the pandemic, when much of the world went from working in the office to working from home, people all over the world felt the lack of liminality as family and pets interrupted work calls and work laptops took over family living spaces. Having no time to manage the transitions often created stress and confusion during this time. Now that we are through the pandemic and people don’t need to stay sequestered in their homes, we have the opportunity to offer a transition time to allow for psychological recovery, to create liminality.

One way to carve out liminality is by going into the office. There is research to support the idea that a commute is an opportunity to enter into the liminal space to give people in-between time to make the transition between work and home. Of course, it depends on the commute and a person’s attitude toward the commute. If the commute causes stress on its own, the psychological benefits of liminality are eliminated. However, if a person takes advantage of the commute to use it as a transition time, it can reduce stress and bring about focus.

While many people say the commute is the reason for not going into the office, it could very well be a good reason to go.

Today, the authenticity buzz has expanded to include being able to bring your whole self to work and being accepted for who you are. People want to feel it is okay for them to express themselves and not feel like they have to hide aspects of themselves at work. It is now common for employees to share personal information such as their anxieties, sexual identities, and inner most thoughts and quandaries. Diversity and inclusion are expected organizational values and to deny someone from expressing themselves can result in legal action.

Authenticity can be powerful when practiced appropriately. People tend to be happier when they feel comfortable being true to themselves. Authentic leadership can motivate people to perform and be loyal to the organization. Authentic communication can also solidify trust in teams and in relationships across the organization.

When authenticity is exercised recklessly, however, it can cause serious problems. I have seen many leaders become derailed because they say whatever comes to mind and it is either offensive or unpopular with others or it goes against the organization’s mission and values. I’ve also seen employees at all levels “overshare” their troubles, leading others to believe they are unfit to perform tasks, and eventually they are either overlooked for advancement or let go entirely.

The key to being authentic at work is to consider the context. For example, authentic leaders are not afraid to talk about their failures, but they choose which failures to share, and they do it in a constructive way. They may reveal a mistake they made because of a shortcoming, but they will say what they learned from the experience and why they are not continuing to make the same mistake today.

Another example is when people authentically express aspects of themselves, opinions, or things they do outside of work. It takes awareness and self-discipline to navigate the line of what is okay and what is not okay to be open about at work. Generally, topics that can make individuals feel unsafe are best avoided. If unsure, it may be wise to ask.

Having discussed the limitations of authenticity, it is now safe to describe how to become more authentic.

The first step to being authentic is to know who you are and what values are most important to you. If you haven’t taken time to self-reflect or you’re in transition or it’s been a while since you’ve thought about this, you may not know. Now might be a good time to evaluate. A simple way to start is to list your values and prioritize them. Your values may include how you think people should be treated, how important honesty is to you, what fairness is, how important money is, how important relationships are, and so on.  It is useful to reevaluate periodically because your values may shift over time.

Being self-aware also means being in touch with your strengths and weaknesses. You can make a list of these too and take some time to accept them, especially your weaknesses. Pick one or two and practice sharing them with people you trust. See what their reactions are and learn how to share your weaknesses in a way that inspires confidence in you.

“’Tis the season to be jolly,” they say. But let’s be honest. It’s not always easy to stay positive, especially when there’s conflict in your team, things are out of your control, and the team’s work product—which reflects on you—is sub-par. It’s even worse if people at home are criticizing you too. It’s easy to start getting annoyed at all of the false cheer and wanting to scream at the next person who wishes you “happy holidays.”

The pressure to give and to be nice to everyone during the holidays can feel oppressive. It can also feel lonely when others are celebrating without you. Envy, resentment, and feelings of inadequacy can build up during the holidays. The critical voices in your head may come out in subtle ways and tell you you’re not worthy of love and respect and happiness. And when you’re not feeling good, you don’t show up as your best self at work.

You Sabotage Yourself

It may seem as though others aren’t doing their job and bad things are happening to you, but research shows that your distress is, in fact, self-generated. According to Shirzad Shamine, author of the book Positive Intelligence, “all your distress in the forms of anxiety, disappointment, stress, anger, shame, guilt—all the unpleasant stuff that makes up your suffering—is generated by your own Saboteurs” (p. 71).

Saboteurs are your inner critics that increase your anxiety about the things you are inclined to worry about, such as whether you are achieving enough, if the quality of your work is high enough, what might go wrong, or that people won’t accept you, etc. They are called Saboteurs because they sabotage your success and happiness. We all have them, and sometimes they are extremely painful. Because they are your inner critics, they know exactly how to hurt you the most.

You Can Stop the Saboteurs

But we don’t have to let them make us miserable. And we don’t need to go through years of therapy to stop them. Recent research has shown that a small amount of concentrated effort can make a big difference in quieting the Saboteurs and shifting to more positive, productive thinking. It is called Positive Intelligence. It was born out of the Positive Psychology literature and brings in neuroscience and organizational science research as well as cognitive-behavioral therapy and mindfulness meditation techniques.

Unlike psychoanalysis, cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) is a practical way to make psychological change quickly without digging deep into your past and uncovering your darkest secrets. CBT is used for serious things, like quitting smoking, getting over phobias, and managing anxiety, but it can also be used simply to change your mindset from negative to positive. The crux of CBT is replacing harmful thought processes with healthy ones. Catastrophic thinking is a good example.

Catastrophic Response Example

My PowerPoint slide had a typo on it and my boss called it out in front of everyone at the meeting. I can’t believe I was so sloppy. I’m such an idiot. They’ll never ask me to present again. I just suck at this. I shouldn’t even be in this job. I don’t know what I’m doing. They are going to figure that out one day soon and fire me. I should just quit now.

Try It

Try it right now. Think of a mistake or failure that haunts you, that you can’t let go of. Think about all of the negative consequences. Notice how it makes you feel. Your amygdala (the lower part of your brain) and your left brain activate the fear, shame, and anger emotions and the fight/flight/freeze response. You may feel your gut tightening, your face getting hot, your shoulders drooping, or your fists clenching. These negative feelings narrow your focus and you feel stuck.

Now imagine a different response. First, read the example below.

Positive Response Example

My PowerPoint slide had a typo on it and my boss called it out in front of everyone at the meeting. I’m glad she caught it. I didn’t realize how important it was to be precise until she explained it in the meeting. I’ll make sure to proofread next time and double check my slides with someone else on the team. I’m learning a lot in this job. I’m going to rock the next presentation.

Try It

Now think about your own mistake or failure and the opportunities it provided for you. Think of it as a gift that may have had immediate positive value or it could have led to positive circumstances down the line or still yet to come. Different parts of your brain are activated as you do this, including your middle prefrontal cortex and right brain. They activate your empathy circuitry, and this allows you to be more compassionate toward yourself and others, and also more curious, creative, and productive.

Shift Your Mindset

The key is learning how to move from the negative to the positive way of reacting to a situation, such as a mistake or failure. Using techniques from CBT to shift your mindset, like seeing a failure as a gift instead of a threat, will help you be more positive and productive. Try this technique over the holiday season and notice how you feel.

You may be thinking that this sounds easy but it’s hard to suddenly be positive when you’re feeling anxious, stressed, or angry. Yes, that is absolutely true. That is why it is important to bring in techniques from the practice of mindfulness mediation to calm your mind and release the tension in your body to allow you to make the shift to a positive mindset. The good news is you don’t have to pull out your mat and sit cross-legged on the floor for an hour a day to calm yourself. The Positive Intelligence research has found that shorter, 30-second to 1-minute mindfulness techniques can get you in the right frame of mind to clear out the Saboteurs and see the gifts.

Calm Your Stress

There are many mindfulness techniques that can be used in the moment, but the easiest and most common one is the three breaths technique. You’ve probably already done this but you may not make a practice of it. The technique is to simply take three deep breaths and focus on your breathing while you do it. The 4-7-8 breathing technique is a good one. You take a deep breath in for 4 seconds, hold your breath for 7 seconds, and breathe out for 8 seconds.

Use your breaths to calm you and slow yourself down so you can then shift your thinking from negative to positive, from catastrophe to gift. You can do this subtly, and no one has to know you’re doing it. You can do it while you’re walking, while you’re in a meeting, or while you’re sitting at your desk. It doesn’t have to be a major life change. You don’t have to be woo woo to change your negative critical inner voices to be more positive and caring of yourself and become more productive.

Try using these two simple techniques. Notice when your Saboteurs are acting up. Stop them with three deep breaths and redirect your thinking using the gift technique to move from a negative to positive mindset. Most people say it does change their lives. It really works. Try it and have a happy holiday season.

Continued Practice

If you’d like to learn more about Positive Intelligence, what the Saboteurs look like, and how to master a positive mindset, join one of our programs.

• Sign up for a 6-week coaching program on Mental Fitness for Leaders.
• Bring a Positive Intelligence workshop to your organization.
• Host a high-impact women’s Positive Intelligence retreat.
• Bring Positive Intelligence to your parenting or to your teen.

Schedule a free consult to learn more.